Fallen Knight
by Beliel
Summary: Seifer reflects on his high goals, and his fall from grace.


Fallen Knight 

I failed the SeeD exam. Again. Another day in my life. Squall passes, with flying colors. Another day in his. We're rivals, but it's not like I can't recognize when he accomplishes something that I haven't. Maybe that I can't. And everyone seemed so shocked that I clapped for him. Like I'm that petty that I'd beat him up for succeeding. It's kinda sad, to be thought of as that bad.

Not that I'm thought of as worse, these days. I rush off, you know me, act before I think, to try and save Mr. Whatever's ass when I find out it's a trap, good old Quisty comes along because the poor woman's still in love with him, even if she claims otherwise... So we arrive.

Imagine my surprise to meet Matron there!

And she knows just how to push my buttons. I fall for it, like an idiot, and wake up months later with a bad headache and worse memories.

Edea tried to free me a few times, but she couldn't even free her own mind from Ultimecia's control, let alone my own. And Rai and Fu just followed along, despite what I was doing, how I... Acted. Loyalist posse a guy could ask for.

I don't even know how to begin apologizing to Fujin for... Some of the things I said. For... The things I did. Raijin, the guy understands, Fu... She's forgiven me, but I haven't.

Damn the sorceress anyway. Why the hell? Why the fucking hell?! I can understand commanding armies to conquer SeeD, I can understand kidnapping Rinoa, and fighting Squall... Hell, fighting Squall's always fun, but some of the other things...

Why the hell would she want me to do those? For that matter, why would she want to compress time? I mean, that's pretty freaky and scary, so I suppose wondering at her motives for the others would be pointless. She was insane, and evil, and I shoulda been with Squall, kicking her ass, not at her side and laughing at the world.

Not that I particularly wanted to be at her side. It was like a bad dream, most of it. I saw it all, but couldn't do a thing about it. But instead of me facing the badguys... I was the badguy. Only, it was more vivid then a dream because it was real, and it was happening, and I'm not ashamed to say that when I regained control, I cried. Guys like me don't cry, but then, guys like me don't do the things I did. Hyne... It wasn't my choice to do those things, but if I ever can... I'll atone for them all.

The world hates me, and I don't really care that much. I mean, hell, the world has every right, from what I did, or rather, was made to do. But I'm not going to hide behind that excuse, if anyone wants to take payment out in my flesh, because I had some hand in it. I let Ultimecia in, unwitting, but I did, and I'll pay for what I did if it'll somehow make it right.

I can't forgive myself for my actions... Controlled or not, I did some horrible things. I am no knight. I never will be. I'll never have the right to be. Sorceress' Knight? More like her Puppet, her Butcher, her Toy.

Used to be people accused me of reading too many romance novels. I mean, who aspires to knighthood in this day and age? But it wasn't the title... It was the chivalry. All I ever wanted was that. All I ever wanted was to live by that code of honor and distinguish my life as a good one. I may not have the most knightly manner of speech, hell, those romance book knights sound downright corny, who'd talk like that? But the honor... I was a punk, but I never meant to... Do that harm. The death, the torture... Everything; not me. But my hands did it. No knight I.

Just a killer.

Squall argued with me about it. Once. I swear, that man has the social skills of a dead fish, but he can have passion about the things he believes in. Guess he believes in me. Which is nice to know, since I always believed in him, hate his guts sometimes, but I always believed in him.

He said my actions under mind control weren't my own, that I could live the way I wanted; even offered me a position in SeeD.

I turned him down.

He told me it wasn't a charity offer. But I knew that. Squall doesn't do charity. He won't offer you something unless he thinks you're worth it, he means what he says and does, even if he can be backwards about it. Sometimes though, he's dense as a brick.

Live the way I want? Not with the last several months on my conscience. If I have to go around the world personally offering my penance to everyone I harmed during the war, then by the Guardians and Hyne herself, I will do it.

Maybe, if I survive that, if I manage to atone for every sin committed, maybe then I can live my own life, maybe then I can reach for knighthood again.

Until then?

My life isn't my own; it belongs to every innocent I ever harmed. Starting with Fujin and Raijin. Forgive me they may, but I have to find a way to atone to them all the same. Just being with them, being myself, seems to be okay for now.

I just know they're gonna follow me when I start traveling the world though. Persistant as devils, those two. Won't leave me be. I love them for it. I think I'll need them, on the journey I plan.

I'll save my apologies to Squall and Chickenwuss and the others for last. Because that'll give me a reason not to die at the hands of anyone else I've hurt, even if I may wish to.

I'd be selfish to let them kill me, no matter how deserved. So, gotta live, gotta atone, and maybe... Maybe live with those high goals, those great ideals, and take every day to achieve them. But that's too far in the future to contemplate. Take the days as they come until my life's my own again, then live as a real knight, not that twisted creature the sorceress made.


End file.
